Held Breath

Finally, a breath of relief was exhaled when we heard those words coming out of our oncologist's mouth "the tumor shrunk about 80% in area".

Thank the high powers, all those that were rooting for my dad, the chemo worked!! No signs that the cancer has spread and it looks like the body is fighting hard along the side of the drugs to kill those bastard cancer cells.

Pop was very excited when I translated and the relief was evident through his eyes and smile. The doc said the radiologist was shocked to learn that what he saw in the CT Scan was not a scar from previous cancer but actually the cancer itself when compared to the scans taken prior to the treatment.

2 more cycles of chemo treatment was prescribe to hopefully shrink down the tumor/cancer more so that the surgery will be simpler to perform and minimize the area that will have to be taken out along with the tumor.

Text messages were sent and phone calls were made to inform family and friends of the good news. Battle on pop, battle on, it's not over but we are winning.

Grudge

No.... not the horror flick that didn't make any sense even after watching both the English and the original Japanese versions.

The grudge I am talking about is the grudge I hold. I am petty, yes, petty. When I am rubbed the wrong way, I remember and I don't let go lightly. Petty that's right. Kinda ironic for a person whose memory seems to be on its last leg. Memory is selective after all.

Oooo...Gremlins is on. Now that was a iconic movie. Gizmo is so cute.

Anyways, sidetracked, what was I saying... oh yes, I hold grudges. But doctors makes it dam hard to hold it for long. I was really really pissed at my dad over the past couple days cuz all this time that we stayed at Atlantic City, he only drank one bottle of the protein drinks he was suppose to ingest to help him maintain his weight and to flush the chemo crap out of his system.

If he doesn't care about his body why the hell am I so worried about his liver and kidneys when there's nothing that I can do other than to hold him down and force quarts of liquid down his throat and the likelihood of that scenario playing out is pretty slim.

I remained my coat of silence to protest against his behaviour over the last 2 days. Maybe I am not ready to accept that he should live however he want right now cuz who knows when his time is up. Petty and hypocrite that I surely am. Carpe Diem! Isn't that suppose to be the model of living? Live as if you were dying? So whats the harm of him enjoying several days of break away from the constant reminders that he's going through chemo treatment to extend his life? I am just not ready.

Today's doc visit was to meet with pop's primary physician here in Philly area. The doc made a comment under his breath intended for my ears only that what is the most pressing concern obviously is the chemo treatment and the gastric cancer and that the prognosis doesn't look good.

So how do you hold a grudge when you are reminded that your dad's health condition and that he might be on borrowed time?

Petty, hypocritical, and utterly stubborn. Adjectives of the week.

The Day Before

Doom... dooom doooom...... tadaaaaaaa!!

Countdown to the notorious Fed day ladies and gentlemen. I've waiting for this day for a while now. I really hope the market tanks so that I get a chance to get in at a decent level. I just think it's a bit too high right now with all the uncertainty - will we get into another war, can the BRIC countries keep up with the eye popping pace, US liquidity problems and how much will that affect the rest of the world?

Please fall.. fall big.. fall fall falll!!

Re-org

My knee is acting up again. 6 hours of House marathon added to say 10 more hours of sitting in front of a computer will do that to even a normal person. Not that I didn't at least try a little. I tried to go to the gym 2x today but found the door locked and lights out. What are the hours on the weekend? Although the weather was perfect for walking/jogging outside, I retreated back to the apt, back in front of my laptop, reorganizing the accounts, the bills, the yet to be paid and statements to archive.

Although it's quite satisfying to file away things in its rightful folders, it's awfully time consuming. To reward myself, 6 hours of House marathon and bags of snacks seemed reasonable. At least now I should be all caught up and won't be lost when the new season of TV finally starts.

It's late. I should sleep, but ...

Train Inspired

If you are like me, avoid eye contact is the mantra that runs through my head whenever I am riding on public transportation. Where do you put your eyes when you aboard a train or a bus, squeezed in like sardines in a can? Most of us busy ourselves with our frivolous gadgets - our celly, iPod, MP3 players, or portable games. The rest that are lucky enough to have travel companions gets to engage in conversations instead of trying to look busy to avoid looking at strangers. So there I was on the 6th train, seated next to a well dressed business man, looking out to the opposing window at the passing train, and that's when I saw it. This surreal moment where the cacophony that envelops you sorta mutes itself, and you see something for the first time in clarity. There it was, that passing train, carrying the same contents as the train I am on - people trying to get from A to B. But what was so surreal for me was the feeling that I was seeing some slices of time, peaking into lives of others even if for those brief seconds, I opened my eyes and I looked, unabashed because they cannot see me, I opened wide and saw the snapshots of lives passing before me. A couple engaged in a conversation, a girl looking somewhat sullen as she leans against the door, a man with his iPod, all snapshots I am seeing.

Moments like those inspires me, and words came, I guess that's what happens when your mind clears of other clutters and it amazes you once in a while on spewing out things. "You will it... " that's what my mind said to me. With that, I finished the following poem while standing on corner of 28th and 3rd, waiting for friends to join me for dinner:

You will it, will it to slow.
This life, your picture show.
One blink, several segments go,
several has passed, but there's always more.
One pause, you feel the wind blow,
the blurring of the shapes,
the morphing of the sounds,
the changing of the seasons,
the cycle restarts.
You will it, will it to slow.
Whispering - "This, I want more."

First Day On The Road To Recovery

President Bush is quacking away on the little TV to my left. Some live press conference about the war probably, as he tries to cheerlead more about his agenda.

Technology certainly makes waiting time more tolerable. On the way to the hospital, 90% of the time, Betsy's slightly monotoned voice prompts are the only sounds heard in the car. Betsy, my trusty Garmin breaks the silence every so often to tell me how to get to Fox Chase, even though after 20 plus trips, one would've thought that I should have the roads memorized by now.

About 10 minutes have passed and so far so good... knock on wood. No signs of adverse reactions from the OXALIplatin as pop receives his treatment of the chemo drug through his port. This past 2 weeks I've learned a bunch about chemotherapy, radiation, affects of these toxic but ironically life saving medicines.

There are around 20 beds in the infusion room. This is the room where the chemotherapy drugs are administered. It's quite a lively room, with sounds of TVs, nurses talking, family members/friends gabbing away. Some of the patients are sleeping, some looks into the fuzzy TVs, and others like pop are reading. I've brought Harry Potter along, but this seems like a good time to reflect and write.

Bless this place for having internet access.

I think, well I know pop is probably quite nervous. On the way here, I really didn't know what to say. Never one to sugar coat things, I just reminded him what to watch out for, ie.. careful handling of chemo drugs. Either urinated out or vomited out. Probably not the best thing to have said. Although, I did ask him if he was ready. Pop replied something to the sort that this is it, nothing he can do about ready or not ready.

Nurses went over the potential side affects again, the cold sensitivity, nausea and the mouth sores in particular. Hopefully, the injected anti-nausea medication will do its job and keep pop feeling normal. Weight gain is of the up most priority right now.

Almost lunch time now, getting hungry.

Marilyn Manson and Evan Rachel Wood

First thought.. "What the.... " as I spotted a picture of Marilyn Manson and Evan Rachel Wood?? "What the...", I read on to discover that they are madly in love??

Why.. is all I can think of.. very very odd couple. As I started to judge, I realize that hell I am being discriminating as well. If she wanted to be with someone that's her beeswax..

Onto the next article..

Goodbye... Goodbye

I always find myself with a smirk whenever I get a goodbye email from a fellow co-worker. Why? I guess I am just twisted that way... but it's always interesting to read the final words of folks leaving for 'greener pastures'.

Some are angry and bitter. And I do mean bitter, to the point where I sat in awe that they really do not ever, ever wan to ever work for the company again in their life. Like most that don't have the guts to say what they really mean, I do the invisible monkey clap to applaud them for their bravado.

Then there are some that are cordial, simple, and to the point. Thank you and best wishes type. Those are a bit more boring to read. Why? Cuz they are polite. If majority of the folks are interested in reading polite stuff, all these magazines would be out of business.

I love the funny and sarcastic ones.. .. just my personal opinion.

So when it came time to write my own farewell famous last words, I was quite conflicted for couple of days. Do I want to be funny? How about take a jab at the business? Do I want to be polite? Yes, but not kiss ass type I've decided and definitely don't want to burn any bridges, never know when you need to cross back again.

Writing was something I've always viewed more important than spoken word; rather it be emails, handwritten letters, greeting cards, deliverables or blogs for that matter. That finality of letters on a piece of paper is just... there, final. Once viewed you can't take back. Especially in this day and age where things are cached for say years or decades. That note you wrote can easily be recalled many many moons later, even long after you are gone from this planet.

Where was I? Oh yes, my goodbye email. I started many drafts. One thought was to write it in the format of a poem. I am glad I didn't use that! Even after 4 or 5 drafts, I didn't have anything that flowed for me. All the bits and pieces were there but it didn't flow. But I was running out of time to diddle waddle. Today is Thursday. Most of the project team are traveling back to their homes in a couple of hours. I really do want to also say goodbye in person since I will be working from home next week. So project productivity had to be sacrificed. I took about 1.5 hours to finally put together a goodbye email that I was pretty proud of. It's a mix of everything. A dash of sarcasm, a dusting of thankfulness, a sprinkle of humor, and a good dose of authenticity. Well at least I hope I came across as being authentic.

The funny thing is that as I was writing my note, I realized that I am truly thankful for the experience and what it has taught me. Some lessons took me a while to learn but I've learned it and mistakes that I've made in the past will not be made again. I haven't found entirely what I want, but I know what I don't and that's pretty darn good thing to know.

I got a little emotional when saying goodbyes to people after they saw my note. I will miss them.

The Day I Told

I had practice this moment for a looong time in my head, over and over, of how I was going to announce to the upper management that I am leaving the company. But nothing is as we planned it. Instead, I was rushing trying to finish work at the same time nervous as hell on breaking the news to my manager about me leaving the project.. leaving the company.

Finally I tracked him down and after he finished setting some priorities of work on my plate I asked to speak to him in his office.

Maybe I should have been a little bit more patient about spewing out my resignation statement, but never one for small talk, before my manager even had the chance to close the door fully, I turned around and said something like, "Mike, I just wanted to give you a heads up that I am resigning."

The man is stoic as ever! He should play poker was what I thought. After a brief pause, he said he was sorry to hear the news and then we went into more details of why I am leaving the company. I explained that I've thought about this for a while now but had to move up the exit date due to father's ill health. He was sorry again and thanked me for the heads up.

All was done in less than 5 minutes.. maybe even 3.

Then of course.. I got called backs about 30 minutes later on whether if I had considered taking FMLA again or leave of absence..

Nice offers definitely.. but it's time to go.

How did I feel afterwards? Maybe slightly relieved that now I can submit the resignation formally so that the separation process may begin. But not much of anything else.. my mind was on other things.

Rest of the day I shared the formal news only with several close friends.. then it's business as usual.. fix the bugs, update the config, and update the status.

Bad News

Why is it that I am always prompted to write more when things are troubling me or that it's not something pleasant?

Today while out in downtown State Collge enjoying some lunch, a phone call from an unrecognized number rings. "Hello"... and the conversation begins. The doc is looking for pop to inform him of the CAT Scan results. Talking to me is the same, so I was the first that heard those words that we've dreaded..."there's an ill-defined mass"... so has the cancer come back or is it just a tumor? When will he do the biopsy in the next exam? How many were there?
Will a PET Scan be scheduled?

One question after the other. I am not surprised of the news. I had a bad feeling several weeks ago, my right eye just started jumping again. Why is it that mom and pop don't seem to be able to get a break. How am I going to tell him?

What will he think? Will pop get really depressed? Will he think of the worst? Will he ....

Until we know whether the mass is malignant or not, we shouln't jump to conclusions. The oncologist will tell us.

Balance

The Virgina Tech tragedy has dominated the airwaves and print. It's hard to turn on the TV without hearing the latest updates about the senseless killing by a 23 year old.

It's all very sad, where did all this go wrong? How do someone grow from a tiny little baby to become a killer?

Anyways, so that prompted the thinking that all things in this universe is striving for balance. Too much rain, too little water. Too much sun, not enough light. Give the kids all the things they need or are we spoiling them? Too much work, not enough play? Too much freedom or control?

The kid was definitely off balance. How did he become that way and can we prevent tragedies in the future?

It's hard I think for all of us, society in general to take part of the blame for tragedies that happen every day. Myself is not excluded for sitting back and letting things go by. I think most of us are very detached.. prehaps detached to protect ourselves.. maybe in self denial that ugly.. very ugly things go on in this world. Things we want to distant ourselves with we tend to either ignore to delay facing reality or totally ignore it.

So what can we as humans do to prevent this? How can we as a society help steer the next generation to become humans with moral values? And is it too late for those that are walking and talking already? Can we guide the lost or troubled souls towards a healing path?

It'll take all of us to make those types of commitments. Are we ready?

Melancholy

One word summed it all up. Wonder who thought of this word that describes what every one of us feels. The knit brows, the half grimace, the tightened jaws and this incredible sadness that seeps through the body as if the dark clouds will never dissipate. You try as you might, with loud music and upbeat tempos. You try again with renting laughs that comes on a shiny disc. But, nay, nothing works.

Only time I guess, time and enough self indulgence to let this course of gloom and doom run through your veins throughout each limb, run itself to exhaustion and lay to rest before you can return to your old self.

Deconstruct and Reconstruct

Following are notes I jotted down, trying to remember bits and pieces of one of my dreams.
The colors were muted.. kinda like that grayish hue depicted in War of the Worlds. The sky was ominous, everything is just a shade grayer, a little more dustier.

- killed in a flash
- imploded, people died but afterwards they came back through another flash
- the entire world seems to be deconstructed and reconstructed by some supernatural force right infront of my eyes. I can only stand there in awe and watch houses tore down and rebuilt within minutes
- houses wiped out crumbled but the rebuilding was like moving of boxes in and out until all the houses are in a row and connected. The strange thing and almost comical if the situation wasn't about life and death was that the rebuilt houses were very colorful in this rebuilt world. They reminded me of Florida or actually more of the France style houses I seen once in Quebec.

Music Is Too Loud

Well, this is a first for me - a complaint from front desk asking me to turn my music down.

I guess the hotel walls are not as thick as I thought. Seriously, how loud can the music be if it's coming from an IBM laptop?

I had the TV on until 3 am and it was pretty loud.. maybe somehow they didn't notice until I started singing.. hahah.

Ooh joys of living out of a hotel, even if it is a Hilton. Just not the same I guess. Sadly I had to turn down Sia - singing Breathe Me on YouTube. Now time to hit the treadmills before my ass completes its morphing into globs of fat.

Most Memorable V Day

I got no love.
I got no food.
I got no car.....

Sounds like a beginning of a best woeful hit of 2007.

Well I have to say, this particular Valentines day takes the cake and ate it too. Morning started out with me on top of my blanket and covers on my king size Hilton bed. Alone. That was not a surprise since I did after all went to bed alone. If I didn't wake up alone, that would've been a bit weird and scary.

The world froze overnight. Hilton did a crappy job of plowing and the lot still looked treacherous. Then the boss called to say the roads are horrible. But thankfully I wasn't on the road yet. So I worked from the hotel until my stomach called for food. I donned my winter gear and headed out to the parking lot to clean off the Element.

That's when the day started to go downhill. I must have left my windshield wipers on last night and while I was scraping off the ice, I didn't realize that the wipers were trying to wipe until it was too late. By the time I turned the wipers off, the motor driving it seems to be fried. :( Not a good day. So rest of the afternoon was spent partially working but mostly looking for a dealership around here and worrying how I'll be able to get there tomorrow.

I guess it's better than not remember a Valentines day. I can tell who ever cares to ask that around midnight, I hiked to the local CVS to get myself some grub. A box of Honey Bunches of Oats, 140z of whole milk, Veryfine Apple juice and a bottle of V8.

In the cereal goes into a glass cup, pour in the milk, and with my own metal spoon, I scooped up that delicious mixture into my awaiting mouth. Hmmmmmmm...... fooood...

Happy Valentines Day.

5,000 Calories

Yep, that's what I consumed in one setting if not more.

Today a friend came in to visit so we decided to give the new cheeseburger chain restaurant in town a try. The atmosphere was friendly and brightly lit with the old diner neon lights deco.

Gosh, I don't remember the last time I ordered a cheeseburger at a restaurant. McDonalds don't count.

The owners of the joint made a good call. The town was missing a family restaurant. Actually come to think of it.. lots of town are missing family restaurants where kids enjoy the food much more so than the adults. The place was jammed pack with wait of 25 minutes! To pass the time, we walked across the street to Duncan Donuts to kick off the night of high calorie feast.

The burger wasn't bad.. not out of this world good either. But it was just nice to sit in a place where you see families. The parents, the kids type of thing. I was amazed to see so many in one place.

Good for them.

Not so good for my figure.

All About the Timing

The past 24 hours has just not worked out for me. Time was my enemy. It went against everything I was trying to do. First I woke up on 02/01/07, 5 AMish to realize that "Sh*t!!! I did not get to place my Amazon Wishlist gift certificate order cuz I fell asleep 30 minutes before the deadline." Contributing factors to the waste of a good 25% off were:
1 - sleep deprivation
2 - coma induced by gorging food at 9:30 PM
3 - the unbreakable habit of procrastination until very last minute

You snooze you loose. Prime example right here. Literally.

So the morning did not start off so well. Got to work, work work work, then found out that we really didn't have to be there on Friday so it was a mad rush during lunch hours to go back and checkout of the hotel.

Finished with the workshops and meeting around 7ish PM and started the mad rush to go catch the 9 PM Amtrak at BWI.

Yah, that did not work out too well.

Contributing factors to missing the 9 PM train:
0 - left at a time that didn't leave much flex room
1 - the 1 hour drive from work to Car Rental place
2 - process to wait for return of car, to shuttle to airport, to shuttle from airport to Amtrak
3 - got on the wrong bus (The bus driver gave me a short lecture on why did I get on the bus to the long term parking lot when it states on the bus that's where it's going. To my defense, I really did not look.)

So the next train was at 10:30 PM but then got delayed to 11PM.

All in all, I got back after getting a ride at around 2 AM on 02/02/07. Travel to come back took over 7 F*king hours.

Not a happy camper here.

But valuable lesson learned once more:
1 - poor time management leads to dire consequences - more time wasted
2 - waste of opportunities
3 - Avoid taking a late Amtrak train


Time for shuteye.

Nikon D50!

When I heard the door bell rang about half an hour ago, I sped down like a kid on Christmas day ... my first DSLR is here!!!

Yeeeeaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhha!!!

After I ran back up with my precious package, the Canon S45 (current camera) was put into action to document the glorious momentous unveiling of my new Nikon D50.

Pictures were snapped, flashes went off, and viola event captured. Now I just have to wait patiently for the parts to adjust to the room temperature since it's been sitting in the cold delivery facilities for the past couple of days.

Then I can charge my battery and start shooting!

I Pulled the Trigger... on the Nikon D50

It has been a long arduous journey for me personally to decide on a camera. Wait, not just 'a camera' but my very first DSLR. Whohooo! I've always liked photography. There's so much that can be read from looking at a picture, and I want to be one of those that capture that moment.

Thanks to the AMEX wishlist coupon, I am able to get a discount on the Amazon.com purchase. The hard part was to decide between mainly the three cameras - Nikon D50, Nikon D40 or Pentax K100D.

I went to several shops, held them, shoot sample shots with them (store lighting really isn't a good indicator), went back and repeated the process several more times. I think the camera shop people are sick of me now.

Finally hit the 'buy' button for the D50. God, endless nights scouring the forums. I just don't want to regret my decision or look back and say hell.. I should've gone with the other model. But like always, I tend to over analyze things. I guess there will never be that one perfect camera, that one perfect job or that one perfect life. Just need to make a decision and go with it. I am trying. 2 months it took me to pull the trigger and I am still not sure if I'll like it.

I figured that if it turns out I really do find the D50 too bulky for me to handle after shooting with it for a while, I can always sell it on eBay and recoup most of my money for it and then go for the D40 instead. I tried manual focusing on the Pentax K100D with some old manual lenses to see how it felt the other day... it was slow.... and I would definitely miss some shots if I had to manual focus with some of the primes like I would have on the D40.

Finally! It's such a relief to at least decide on a camera for now. Can't wait to get the camera and start taking pictures!

Now the long nights will be spent reading up on tripods to get. Ooooh boy ......

Rejected!

I wasn't expecting it.

The call that is. I just got out of the bathroom, going for a pear in the fridge when I was notified that a call from the consulting firm is ringing on the phone.

Dropping the pear on the counter, I rushed up to get the phone just in time to hear the "Booong Boong Boong" on the line. Darn! Missed it!

Not to worry. Thanks to wonders of technology and voicemail, the recruiter regretfully informed me through the message that "they will be pursuing other candidates at this time"... aka .. "Nahh, we don't want you!"

So .. there it was, the first rejection after 7 years.

I wouldn't be honest if I didn't say I was at the least slightly disappointed. Don't get me wrong I am not going to cry me a river for not getting this job, it was mostly that my little ego was slightly bruised. Natural to feel that way right? "Why didn't they want me? Whyy whyyyy whyyy??"

Truth to be told, if I was sitting on the other side of the table, I would not hire me either. Why? Lack of enthusiasm.

I guess I am not that great of a liar nor pretender. Never was one to put on a face for too long. I even heard it in my tone while I was interviewing. If I sounded alive, maybe they would've invited me for the 3rd round.

Oh well. I got over it in 5 minutes.

Their loss! But still, would like to hear what was it that made them look the other way.