Grudge

No.... not the horror flick that didn't make any sense even after watching both the English and the original Japanese versions.

The grudge I am talking about is the grudge I hold. I am petty, yes, petty. When I am rubbed the wrong way, I remember and I don't let go lightly. Petty that's right. Kinda ironic for a person whose memory seems to be on its last leg. Memory is selective after all.

Oooo...Gremlins is on. Now that was a iconic movie. Gizmo is so cute.

Anyways, sidetracked, what was I saying... oh yes, I hold grudges. But doctors makes it dam hard to hold it for long. I was really really pissed at my dad over the past couple days cuz all this time that we stayed at Atlantic City, he only drank one bottle of the protein drinks he was suppose to ingest to help him maintain his weight and to flush the chemo crap out of his system.

If he doesn't care about his body why the hell am I so worried about his liver and kidneys when there's nothing that I can do other than to hold him down and force quarts of liquid down his throat and the likelihood of that scenario playing out is pretty slim.

I remained my coat of silence to protest against his behaviour over the last 2 days. Maybe I am not ready to accept that he should live however he want right now cuz who knows when his time is up. Petty and hypocrite that I surely am. Carpe Diem! Isn't that suppose to be the model of living? Live as if you were dying? So whats the harm of him enjoying several days of break away from the constant reminders that he's going through chemo treatment to extend his life? I am just not ready.

Today's doc visit was to meet with pop's primary physician here in Philly area. The doc made a comment under his breath intended for my ears only that what is the most pressing concern obviously is the chemo treatment and the gastric cancer and that the prognosis doesn't look good.

So how do you hold a grudge when you are reminded that your dad's health condition and that he might be on borrowed time?

Petty, hypocritical, and utterly stubborn. Adjectives of the week.

The Day Before

Doom... dooom doooom...... tadaaaaaaa!!

Countdown to the notorious Fed day ladies and gentlemen. I've waiting for this day for a while now. I really hope the market tanks so that I get a chance to get in at a decent level. I just think it's a bit too high right now with all the uncertainty - will we get into another war, can the BRIC countries keep up with the eye popping pace, US liquidity problems and how much will that affect the rest of the world?

Please fall.. fall big.. fall fall falll!!

Re-org

My knee is acting up again. 6 hours of House marathon added to say 10 more hours of sitting in front of a computer will do that to even a normal person. Not that I didn't at least try a little. I tried to go to the gym 2x today but found the door locked and lights out. What are the hours on the weekend? Although the weather was perfect for walking/jogging outside, I retreated back to the apt, back in front of my laptop, reorganizing the accounts, the bills, the yet to be paid and statements to archive.

Although it's quite satisfying to file away things in its rightful folders, it's awfully time consuming. To reward myself, 6 hours of House marathon and bags of snacks seemed reasonable. At least now I should be all caught up and won't be lost when the new season of TV finally starts.

It's late. I should sleep, but ...

Train Inspired

If you are like me, avoid eye contact is the mantra that runs through my head whenever I am riding on public transportation. Where do you put your eyes when you aboard a train or a bus, squeezed in like sardines in a can? Most of us busy ourselves with our frivolous gadgets - our celly, iPod, MP3 players, or portable games. The rest that are lucky enough to have travel companions gets to engage in conversations instead of trying to look busy to avoid looking at strangers. So there I was on the 6th train, seated next to a well dressed business man, looking out to the opposing window at the passing train, and that's when I saw it. This surreal moment where the cacophony that envelops you sorta mutes itself, and you see something for the first time in clarity. There it was, that passing train, carrying the same contents as the train I am on - people trying to get from A to B. But what was so surreal for me was the feeling that I was seeing some slices of time, peaking into lives of others even if for those brief seconds, I opened my eyes and I looked, unabashed because they cannot see me, I opened wide and saw the snapshots of lives passing before me. A couple engaged in a conversation, a girl looking somewhat sullen as she leans against the door, a man with his iPod, all snapshots I am seeing.

Moments like those inspires me, and words came, I guess that's what happens when your mind clears of other clutters and it amazes you once in a while on spewing out things. "You will it... " that's what my mind said to me. With that, I finished the following poem while standing on corner of 28th and 3rd, waiting for friends to join me for dinner:

You will it, will it to slow.
This life, your picture show.
One blink, several segments go,
several has passed, but there's always more.
One pause, you feel the wind blow,
the blurring of the shapes,
the morphing of the sounds,
the changing of the seasons,
the cycle restarts.
You will it, will it to slow.
Whispering - "This, I want more."