The First Regret

I dozed off watching TV in bed.

Woken up by the vibrating sound of my cellphone, I figured it might be mom calling since she usually calls around this time. So seeing the caller id, I was bit surprised.

I picked up the phone and my brother tells me 2nd aunt passed away early morning Saturday.

I think I was at a party while she left this earth. I was in denial or it didn't sink in until I typed in a message window to a friend telling him that my aunt passed away.

I did not make my weekly call and didn't call back to grandma and to Taiwan this week. Should've talked to her again earlier, no matter how hard it is to hear her weak voice and how awakard it is to say things that we both know is probably not going to happen.

I talked to her last during Thanksgiving week. God, has it been that long since I last called? Excuses and procrastination.

This marks the first regret of my life - not aving enough conversations with my aunt.

She said she would wait for us to go back. One more week, she didn't hold on for another week. I hate this fucking year.

I guess my dad's fear came true. He said to me in the train on the ride to New York before he headed back to Flushing 2 weeks ago, he said that he's afraid my aunt won't last until my brother and I go back.

I asked her to wait for us to bring back lots of pictures to show her while we visit her in the hospital.

I know she wanted to see us before she leaves. I am sorry. I am so sorry we didn't get to say goodbye in person. I am so sorry.

At least she's not in pain anymore. The cancer was terminal and it had paralized her for months, since August, before she passed away. We lost another family relative to cancer. Now my cousins are orphans. Cancer took both of their parents away. Cancer almost took my dad as well.

At least pop is around to help take care of the funeral and what to do properly. So will the aunts be there, first 1 out of the 5.

I think what saddens me also is that I have to go through this at least 10 or 20 more times for relatives that are close to me.

It's a race against time, ever since we are conceived the countdown begins. The only thing is that we don't know when the alarm will sound.

I think my aunt had no regrets. My cousin came back at the end and I hope she was at peace when she passed. Prehaps her biggest worry was how my cousins are going to handle everything in life.

I don't know what's harder, leaving people or being left behind. On one hand you'd worry about all the loose ends that needed tying up. On the other hand you have to live on and with you the only thing you have left are your memories of them, and what could've been. But you'll have the memories. That phrase right, it's better to have loved then not have loved at all.

Why do we humans, or I guess other forms of live capable of emotions invest in something that will cause us so much inevitable pain at the end? It's the quality not the quantity that counts I suppose.

I believe that life never really ends, more of the Eastern philosphy approach to life. We are just going around in circles, being recycled. So I know I'll meet up with my aunt someday, maybe in my next life. In my next life, hope the time spent will be longer, and that I will treasure time more and not take it for granted. There might not be one more day to procrastinate, to make that call, to write to the people, to hug them and tell them how you feel.

I don't know what my cousins are going through.. after so many months of seeing your mother in pain, I wonder if they feel it was better for her to go. The parting would've been so hard. But to see able to sleep in peace I hope that gave them some sense of peace as well.

Aunt have lived a fun life I think with her kids and goddaughter and godson. I hope she was happy for the most part until the cancer hit. She went on trips and had fun. She was well loved by her family, friends, and sisters, and my grandma.

Out of the 5 sisters, my mom and my 2nd aunt are the closest. My mom, I didn't call her yet. I need to get all this out before getting on the phone with her. Having a major breakdown is not going to help her grieve. What do I say? She would have so much more memories than I to reminensce. And each scene or flashback would trigger another heartache. I can't image the pain.

Grandma, this is her first child she will help bury. 百髮送黑髮人. 2nd aunt was closest to my grandma. She's the one who took care of her the most all these years. The one who would go over and talk with her and cook her food and take her out. How is my grandma going to cope with the loss. I don't know what it'll be like to loose your own flesh and blood.

I am looking at this latest set of pictures from her. My aunt and her kids went to a photography studio to have some pictures done, where they are all dolled up. She looked great in these photos. And with these photos, that's how I would like to remember her - a fun, loving mother of 4, great mom to them all, a great friend to have, best sister to my mom, and a great aunt to me.

I'll miss you and you get some rest enjoy the time off until we meet again.