Three Months

Words came to me when I was out walking this morning.

Came back and finished in 2 hours. Here goes:

Three Months

Three months granted indirectly to find myself,
Two months left, as things calmed down.
One month left, as I mingled through blood.
All three gone and I’m still on the same ground.

Three more months, I gave myself.
Three more months to figure things out.
Three more months to make a change.
Three more months to leave this state.

One month gone, as I sat on the bench.
One month gone, as I am thrown back into things.
One more month, the deadline nears.
One more month, until I face my fears.

I am trapped in a time capsule of five or so years
Screaming loud but no one can hear.
I watch as the world goes round and round
Colors red, blue, green and white, cycles about.

Churning, night and day, churning of the mind.
Tick -- , Tock --, time slips by.
Immobilized by the very nature of what makes me
Scared by what I can’t foresee.

In my journal there’s a dialogue, pitting me against me,
A testament of my madness if I let things be.
A complete breakdown is required now
Even if that means shattering to the ground.

I will mend from the many pieces of my ragged, weary self
Start afresh, reconstructed to face new crowds.
Not quite healed I will travel forth,
Destination unknown, and there’s no reverse.

Days left until I do the deed
Days left until I leave it all behind
Days left until I regain what was me
Days left until I am set free.

Stock Spam

It's amazing how the days just disappears.

Wrapping up this week, I was quite annoyed when I noticed I am getting stock spammed. I was more upset because it was my GMail account! WTF, I mean the reason why created like 8 e-mail accounts is so that I would only have 1 where it's not used by anything else but friends and family, and resumes.

They got to me after all. I never knew about this type of spamming. Apparantly these spammers are a bit sneakier. They use various address and the product they are pushing on you is not in the e-mail content. Instead it's in the form of a GIF attachment. The content of the e-mail is some poetic type of writing.

It's hard to create filters for these spams cuz it's sent from different addresses. Searched online a bit, there doesn't seem to be any legal action victims can take besides forwarding the e-mails to anti-spam sites for them to list and track. But how much that'll do is unknown.

Whoever sold my e-mail out, you suck!

Mt Tammany at the Delaware Water Gap

This is the best picture, well, best non human picture I should stress (just in case one of my friends is reading this) that I took on this trip.

The weather was absolutely gorgeous. The day started at 6:30 AM. After making sure my other friend is awake, I went about getting ready for the first hike of the summer. Wow, it was the first hike. The drive to the location was not bad at all, about an hour and a half. Beautiful to drive in the morning with little traffic. A lot of people on the road were heading for the mountains as well. Such a day to waste if not to immerse oneself in the great outdoors.

Today's goal was to climb Mt. Tammany via the red trail. The red trail is pretty steep, about say, 30-45 degrees incline and the first leg of it is very rocky. I believe some website said it's about a 30-foot high rock climb. True that. I sure got a workout.

Oh be sure to put on some bug repellant. Even at 10 am in the morning the little gnats were in our face, prehaps looking for leftover breakfast?

Where was I, yes, although it's not a long hike, 1.5 miles up to the peak, the red trail does test your legs and balance. Once you get to the top, which is named the
"Indian Head", you get to see this spectacular view of the Delaware River:



We had our lunch at the top. Enjoyed gabbing with fellow hikers, trading stories, and even had somewhat of a close encounter with 2 black bears.

It was a great day.

The Other Half

Weddings are abound this time of the year. Yesterday, I was invited to witness another ceremony to put the official seal on commitment between 2 people, and it was a lovely event.

I think yesterday was the first time when I looked at a couple that I see the distinct difference of personalities and a voice popped in my head "She's really good for him."

My friend is or I can happily say that he was a corporate drone like me. Where our lives are run by the invisible corporate puppet master, our daily schedule revolves around requirements and deadlines. But no more, not for him at least. From mutual friends and new acquaintances at the dinner table, I learned and saw more evidences of changes in the groom after he met his now bride. Good for you H!!!! He now leaves work like a normal person, plays soccer, shakes his tush on the dance floor and there's that happiness oozing.

So that's it, magic of love. One powerful element in nature, that can so profoundly change us.

Whiplash

That's what you'll get if you've been following the market lately. Uppppp Upppp there it goes!!! Then Bam!!! Down 100+.

Been reading a lot more financial blogs lately. The whole dynamics of price movement, psychology of trading, global events, the market ties it all together. Perfect example of how one thing leads to another, cause and effect.

So like many others, why is the market up on days where we have global terrorism threatening our very lives by blowing up planes? Esp the airline stocks? Who the hell knows.

My guess is that either America is very much in denial or that Americans are saying screw you all, we are going to live our lives the way we want, who knows what tomorrow will bring, so we'll keep buying houses that are way out of our budget, keep driving our SUVs across the 50 states, we've got to eat, our kids have to go to school.. so there! Live in the moment.

Either way, sure makes the market interesting.

It's All Coming Back ..... And Out

Do you ever remember a meal?

Well, I am getting not so subtle reminders of my feeding frenzy over Popeyes chicken bucket from 2 days ago. In fact, I think I had anal leakage of chicken fat. Yes, if you think it's gross reading about it, imagine sitting in the bathroom smelling it, with it leaking out of your body orifice. It is true that if you mostly eat a vegetarian diet, once you eat meat or oily stuff, you'll know the difference. Proof is in the pudding, if you know what I mean.

Nasty.

Other random thoughts.. Stopped by blockbuster during my late night walk and what I saw there mildly surprised me. Have you checked out your local Blockbuster lately? Do you see the increase in the number of Japanese horror flicks!! And what's more surprising is the Japanese anime section.

Soon, someone will catch on to that Asians love to watch soap. I am just wondering which one will it be, Blockbuster or Netflix, to nab the Asian soaps.

Yuck, still tasting the chicken grease coming up my throat.. that teaches me to binge on fried food.

I just found out about AIM Phoneline, the free internet phone service from AIM. So the deal is that you get to pick a local phone number that others can call. The call goes through AIM program and alerts you when someone is calling. Click to answer and viola, you got phone service through your fav headset. So far, pretty happy with the quality.

Crap Magnet

You ever notice how when you are down everything and everyone seems to be pushing on your head making you feel lower and lower, crappier and crappier?

Well at least so it seems. Morning was goooooorgeous. Bit chilly than other days, but goooooorgeous... slight breeze, bright blue skies, fluffy clouds. I am sitting outside eating my cereal and reading the new library book that I brought back from my t-shirt clinging, sweat permeated walk last night, when I read this passage:

When you are complaining you become a living, breathing
"crap magnet".

Great. Now I am a crap magnet. Have been for last 3 years. It's true right? When you complain you need someone to affirm your crappiness. You don't need someone there to tell you to shutup and move on. You want to hear others complain about similar situations, to agree with you that everything that's going wrong is because of the situation, not you. Not ever. So I fit the description of a "victim", according to the book Secrets of the Millionaire Mind.

Funny thing was when I came back from the lib, my cousin saw the 2 books I brought back and pointed out, "Hmm... The Universe In A Single Atom by Dali Lama and Secrets of the Millionaire Mind, what are you looking for spiritual freedom or financial freedom?" In response, I said, "I am a very spiritual 21st century person, who wants spiritual freedom and also financial freedom!"

Blink

I finally finished the book Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking by Malcolm Gladwell. To sum it up, this book directs our attention to something we humans pay so little attention to each day yet it's something that affects possibly every thought we have -- our perception.

As humans we are lucky enough to be granted vision and a brain that can correlate and process amazing amount of information in an instant and thus we are armed with a double edge sword. In a blink of an eye, our brains takes in the snap shot offered to us through the sensory organ and there dissects it into millions of different pieces and based on what we see and our gut feelings, past experiences, and culture, we piece it all back and form an opinion about something.

The book offers many examples of how our perception influences our thoughts and behaviors. It hits both ends of the spectrums, recognizing a fake piece of art work even though all current evidences and tests are saying it's a genuine article to the incident where several cops open fired on an innocent man when they thought they saw him pull out a gun, but later to find out the killed man was only trying to pull out his wallet to show proof of ID.

When I finished the last page, the line from Spiderman "With great power, comes great responsibility" popped into my head. Within each one of us we have the capability to take in thousands of factors and formulate an opinion/thought in a split second based on all the input. Malcolm Gladwell has successfully heightened my awareness that yes, what we see does influence our thoughts greatly without us even realizing it. As much as we would all like to say that "no I don't fall in the category of 'judging a book by its cover' , we all do it whether we like it or it.

Ups and Downs

The stock market for one, suits the up and down pattern.

What is it with this market? I got cash waiting on the side trying to find a good spot to get in and everytime I am just about to jump in the market does a 180.

Fed meeting coming up and job reports coming up. Should be very interesting to watch. Definitely more interesting that what I've been working on, which amounts to desire to finish work but mostly end up conked out after 11pm. Perhaps it's part of getting older? Maybe my body knows that I am about to reach the big 3 0. OOOO.... Ahhh.....

Why 30? Why is that labeled a big one? What is so special about turning 30? Gosh, it's depressing just thinking about it..

Anyways.. wanted to post before I fall succumb to the beckoning of my bed. Couple more documents to read then it's time to hit the pillows.

Superman Returns

This movie felt right. Thank you Bryan Singer for bringing back Superman to the big screen. I appreciate when a film takes the time to setup the characters and the storyline, and Superman Returns did just that.

I liked the casting in this film. Definetely a good DVD to be collected and rewatched. This movie has the those edge of the seat scenes, quiet reflections, more emotionally revealing bits to what it's like to be Superman besides saving the world, and of course the super human strength and the heat vision.

While watching the movie, esp the more reflective scenes where Superman flies above the planet and watches it from space. It's quiet. You just see this beautiful blue planet below the floating Superman. I watch him watching earth, the absence of sound, and then we get to hear what Superman hears - everything. Conversations, traffic, clink, clunk, sirens, all the noise in emitted the man can hear. Yet, he chooses to go back down there, to do what he can to help a race that he's so immersed in yet feels so detached from at the same time.

This to me is what makes him Superman.

Will I

"Will I loose my dignity? Will someone care erreerr.. ?
Will I wake tomorrow, from this nightmarerrrr??

Will I loose my dignity? Will someone care errrerrr..?
Will I wake tomorrow, from this nightmarerrrr?? "


This has to be my 2nd fav song from Rent, ranked right after Seasons of Love.
The lyric is especially moving to me right now. "Will I loose my dignity? Will someone care?" I think that's a question we've all asked ourselves one time or the other, and hopefully at least one person comes to mind who will care very much.

If grandma can understand English, I'd think she would identify with this song. Lying there not knowing when you can recover gotta be depressing as hell and you got your own children debating who should take care of you, passing you around like a hotcake, yah.. she would've identified.

69 and 29

Before dirty minds starts to flash images of various sex positions, this entry is not even close to that so move on to the next blog avoid dissapointment.

5 AM, I am watching my dad doing his little pre-walk stretch routine from the window. He rolls his head, neck, and shoulders, then swings his arms about to loosen up the waist. Pop is doing that swinging a little too fast. I'll have to remind him when he gets back.

Then he's off. In his khaki shorts and turquois polo, topped with my white EmigrantDirect.com promotional hat. It's still dark out at this hour, but the man is off doing his morning ritual.

Ohh there' he goes again! He lapped past this window 3 times now. Why am I not out there.. .. okie work is not that important. 1 hour won't make a difference in my work.

Here I go.. I am 29, and I want to go walk in the morning with my dad, 69 years old, walking his way back to full recovery, a step at a time.

Screw work.

Melting Pot

Why America is such an attractive country to be in? Anyone can answer that question after taking a train ride into the city.

While I am squished against the inner wall of the train cabin, trying very hard to avoid further contact of legs from the guy across from me, I looked about, uncomfortably aware how it was probably not the best idea to wear short shorts in cramped spaces. I am flanked on my right by one of the Eastern European women, absorbed and animated in their own conversation. The guy across from me, with his leg occasionally bumping into mine bare ones sports the latest gadgets, iPod/T-Mobile SideKick, sunglasses made popular by George Michael - African American. Standing in the aisle of the packed train, we got a burly African American body builder whose bulging biceps and enormous chest kept me fascinated for a while. Down the line we have some blond teenagers, grey haired white father, tan looking guy, red haired lady, freckled woman, tall, skinny, short, wide, extra tall..

This is America, welcome to the melting pot.

A Very Long Day

Reaccounting the day in reverse...

It's Friday 4AM, I just finished helping a friend/ex-coworker work on VBA Excel macro code for his first project at his new job. That dam thing took me a lot longer than it should've have. Loosing my touch. A sign that I am not meant to be a programmer.

8:40pm - 10pm, came back from a nice night walk. I met a dog along the way. It was looking at me and I was looking at him. I don't think either one of us can see much cuz it was rather dark out. I talked to it, but it didn't answer back. So I just told the doggie to go home. It's so nice to see fireflies these days. Blink.. Blink.. Blink... kinda like walking through an air strip with miniaturized airplanes.

7:30 pm - 8:30 pm, hmm dinner, dinner and smoothes.. fruit ones at that.. nice.

9 am - 7:15 pm, right.. those are the typical work hours plus ones at night. lovely.

8 am - 9 am, whohoo.. i finally got a CT Scan. Well it's about time. Been getting those same symptoms again several days ago. Eye sensitive to bright light, esp the right eye, pressure on the top of the eye, mucus discharge at the back of the throat, headaches, and the bumped spot feels weird as well. In couple of days, the doc will probably call me back to notify me everything looked normal in my head so I must just be crazy or paranoid.

Great.

Oh god.. it's 4 am.. 4 hours of sleep left and I probably won't get even 2.

Fan Error Strikes Again!!!

Fan Error


And the screen goes to black. Not another one!!! So this is the 2nd laptop of mine that fell to the fan error problem. I can't help it if it's hot and my notebook is running huge memory intensive applications.

Calling the tech support dept second time around went much faster. Practice, practice, practice right? I was supprised the tech team didn't question why I am sending in another laptop for repair with the same problem within 2 weeks.

Afraid of getting charged by the dept, I've decided to purchase one of those notebook coolers. Hopefully that'll blow away my problems.. get it blow away.. righhhhhht...

"Positive Feedback Loop"

I find myself really liking this new magazine - Seed. It contains more of science technology infused articles. Today I learned about the surprising affects of global warming on the rain forests.

An excerpt from the article:

"CO2 causes warming which slows growth, which reduces CO2 update, which causes warming." --> "positive feedback loop"

I was quite surprised by the findings. I think majority of us think if we plant more trees now it'll help with the whole global warming issue. But now with this new knowledge, the future doesn't look so green anymore. The concern is that we still do not have the capability to predict when will we finally cross that tipping point. That's when the affects of global warming will be irreversible.

Will 80 degree weather in the winter on the Northeast be considered typical?

Time will tell and it might be soon.

The "Stuff" We Buy

Okay, we as humans are a silly funny race. Case in point, look at some of the things for sale these days.

Exhibit #1: MobiBLU

MP3 Toys for the Hobbits in their infant stages.


Come on now!! Why? I ask why do we need to miniaturize to the point where you would need a magnify glass to find the Play button?


Exhibit #2: Girlfriend Pillow

For those days you can't sleep without her.



I hope for one these things are mainly purchased as gag gifts, but who knows.. there are some really kinky people out there.

*Shudder*

It's Baaaaaaaaaaaack!

@#$!!%#$%#*((&#!~~!!!!!

Is what I said when the eerie feeling of mucus/post nasal drip + headache + eyes sensitivity to light sensation returned.

F@#~ing infections are back. I really don't want to go on Zithromax again, for the fear of building up the resistance of bacterias running around in my body. I must be the perfect host. First it was the intestines, now they've traveled to a new place - up to my head. I ain't no doc.. but I sure hope it's just a simple sinus infection and nothing more.

For all I know, bacteria can be eating my brain. The brain has no feelings, isn't that ironic? For all the amazing things that can be achieved by the human brain, it has no feelings.

Crest White Strips

Finally decided to give Crest White Strips a try. I got the Classic pack, the 14 day treatment. Let's just say those things are nasty. Imagine putting on a wet strip of peroxide soaked thingy onto your teeth and leave that thing there for 30 minutes. Yah, gross. I mean it's not that horrible but not the most pleasant thing I've had in my mouth.

I applied 3 strips so far. Stopped due to the sensitive feeling I am getting from my teeth. You know that feeling you get when you drink something too cold or too hot. I am not sure, but I think my teeth does look a bit whiter. Not much, maybe it's just the lighting.

I'll start back up on the treatment later on, not that my teeth were horrible before! Non smoker here. No tobacco chewing or nothing. Just naturally yellow shaded teeth. Maybe I had too much carrots when I was a babe?

Quiet Moments

I enjoy moments like these. Slight breeze coming through the windows, it's dark out, most creatures are asleep, including the chattery birds and the yelping mini dogs.
Got my muffins with a nice upbeat tune playing. This is nice.


I worked today. Actually worked a lot today. I should be laying in bed now. Soon, soon I'll join you Mr. Bear. He's covered by a nice blankie right now. One of those keepsake things. Mr. Bear will probably be with me until the very raggedly end.

Thought of some rhymes after I stepped out of the shower tonight. Maybe I'll have more after a good night sleep. Haven't wrote a poem in a while.

Good night.

Stuffing & Root

Feeling utterly disgusted with myself right now. Rightly so after consuming, what, a fellow creature from every meat group?

Most of the day was spent on the "grill-a-meat" tradition, widely known as "BBQ". Then came the "stuff your face" phase. Now I am at the "feel utterly disgusted with yourself" stage.

Why do we feel compelled to shove down as much food as we can when it's all laid out infront of us? You know.. you go into a buffet and you count the number of plates you went through, calculating whether you are breaking even with the price of admission.

Sad. Greedy things we are.

Anyways, while whirling the t-shirt above my head mimicking helicopter blades (trying to cool myself down after a shower), I recalled the conversation I had with my mom earlier today. It was a short one, about how neither of us have a real home right now and how without one we feel like we are not rooted. That's a good word, "rooted". So that's the next goal to find a place to grow our roots. Then I went on to explain the whole global warming situation and how we need to pick a place that's not too close to the water or streams so that we won't be flooded and a spot where it's relatively safe from tornados and earthquakes.

That reminds me, there's a good quote in Al Gore's book "An Inconvenient Truth" that rings so true:


"Procrastination is still the thief of time. Life often leaves us standing bare, naked, and dejected with a lost opportunity. The tide in the affairs of men does not remain at flood - it ebbs. We may cry out desperately for time to pause in her passage, but time is adamant to every plea and rushes on. Over the bleached bones and jumbled residues of numerous civilizations are written the pathetic words 'Too late'. There is an invisible book of life that faithfully records our vigilance in our neglect. .."
- Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.


Yah, back to the immediate task at hand - turn in code.

Happy Birthday America

Boom! Boom! Boom! SHHHHhh......

Watching fireworks shooting off towards the sky and exploding into hundreds of bright sparkles of light is one of those timeless things. During the spectacular displays you took some quick trips down memory lane. Whether it be a visit back to the first firework show you've ever seen or reminiscing that person(s) you were with at the last event.

This year's display had some new ones that I haven't seen or heard before. It starts up as others, shooting for the stars, then it explodes into that "fireworks" pattern but.. wait..wait.. there's a surprise at the end of each string of light.. another spot of colorful light illuminates and kinda fizzes through the air before disappearing into the night. The other one explodes and it makes this loud shussshhhh.. sound.

Cool. By the end of the show, I have reverted back to 5 years old, and was calling out "Booom! Boom!! Booom!!" with each firework that exploded up in the air.

What tickled me as well was when one of the performer at the town event wanted everyone to pull out their cellphones and wave them in the air as we all sing along with him to the theme song.

Brilliant.. that man is brilliant. And like he wanted, a lot of us in the crowd whipped out our gadgets and proudly displayed our love for the country through the sea of brightly lit, swaying, LED screens.

Happy Birthday - United States of America.

Love At First Sight

Do you believe in love at first sight?

I think it's possibly but extremely rare. Never to commit, that's a good answer right? Well, I should correct myself, not that I don't give out definite answers, but unless you can prove it for certain, it should remain open to what is possible and what is not. It's like winning the lotto. Will I be the lucky winner one day? Highly unlikely but it is plausible.

Anyways, for me, I think I am more like a crock pot. Instant attraction maybe, but, I wouldn't call it love. What's love anyways? With one glance can I tell this is the person I am meant to be with the rest of my life? Nah.. I am too practical and skeptical to let my gut feeling take over. It really sucks being a Virgo + Asian combo sometimes. Practicality rules every decision, well not if I have to pee or not, you know what I mean. By the time I justify my choices, several times, opportunities have slipped away. For example, those nice clothe belts I should've bought in Taiwan, even though the colors weren't the exact ones I was looking for, but darn it! It's good enough, just buy the dam thing! Frivolous example, but ..

Regrets, unfortunate by products of a too practical person.

A sweet movie Imagine Me & You, predictable and somewhat unrealistic, but it's a romantic comedy so one shouldn't concern themselves with those details. The heart of the story is about meeting that one person that you click with and know with a strong degree of certainty that, yup, this is it, this is the person I am meant to be with.

The cast is gorgeous. Very pleasant on the eyes indeed. After watching a British production, I've always end up talking with a British clip, or trying at least for several days. Anyways, another bit of useless info I like to throw out about myself.

Back to the movie... I liked it, I liked it a lot. I read a lot of different books and watch whole array of movies, but always am a sucker for a story with happy endings for all. Piper Perabo's performance was surprisingly pleasant. I've seen her in couple other movies but this one so far showed off her incredibly convincing British accent and her acting! Quite different from her previous dark roles. Lena Headey, I sure would like to see more of her work in the future. After looking up her info, found that Lena Headey was the woman from Brothers Grimm. No wonder she looked a bit familiar. Liked the director later revealed in the commentary, the slight lingering glances said it all.

Together, Piper (Rachel) and Lena's (Luce) characters made a cute couple. They had great on-screen chemistry. Actually, the 4 main characters had pretty good rapport, believable.




Mathew Goode is just down right charmingly handsome. He seemed so tall and upright in the scenes. This is the first time I've actually found a guy's neckline attractive and incredibly sexy? Puzzling to me as well. The region from the base of Mathew Goode's neck to his shoulder is just soo.. soo... good to look at! Casting director -- you did well. Which is what I can't say about the Da Vinci Code's picks.

Imagine Me & You is PG-13 in my books. Which is fine. You don't need much spit trading to tell a sweet story. There are a lot of tender moments in the movie and that's what made this pic a joy to watch.

Love at first sight, although highly unlikely, I sure wouldn't mind getting zapped one day or zap someone.

Rewards and Points

Drenched. That's how the entire North East Coast felt over the weekend. Rain, rain, and more rain.

Pride and Prejudice was the Saturday night entertainment. I have to join the nay-sayers. The movie gets thumbs down from me. It was long and boring. I fell asleep and possibly snored? The performances were flat and seemed a bit forced on Keira Knightley's part. Go back Keria! Go and make more Pirates sequels! I liked her better as a sword wielding lady than this dull character. This interpretation version of Jane Austen's book is sooo weak when compared to the 1995 Sense and Sensibility. What am I saying, it's weak regardless. With Ang Lee's direction and Emma Thompson's script, the dialogues in Sense and Sensibility came alive and the wit, the humor, and of course superbly executed by Emma Thompson. Bottom line, Pride and Prejuice --- Booo! Sense and Sensibility --- Yeahhhh!


Sunday afternoon I was tempted to go outside in my slickers to scrub the streak of bird poop off my Element until my cousin informed me that in the event I do get struck by lightening, she will not be collecting my body until the rain has stopped. After some careful consideration, I went back to working on the dam RSA portal server setup, and there I remained in my room as a prisoner tied by the 2 laptops for the rest of the night into the wee hours of the morning.

Which leads me to the subject of this particular blog entry. Rewards. What better way to break from work than to figure out how many reward points one has earned while swiping away? After reviewing all my credit cards, looks like Discover and Citibank Dividend Platinum are the winners in the point rewarding world right now. 5% back on gas, grocers, and drug stores.

Bye bye Chase.

RSA

Rational .. wait.. wait.. I know this.. "RSA", "Rational Software Architect". Fine, so I cheated.. anyways.. back to the coding grind again. It's definetely a shocker to the system to be coding again after a good 9 month of non-programming work. Blah.. first day I got the laptop with all the build environment shipped to me, I must have swore at least 200 times. I think I went from a sailor to like captian of the boat.

Black Cloud

Weather this weekend have been sweaty. That's one word to describe it. Sunny as hell (oxymoron there), but I see shadows wherever I go, black clouds hanging.

Father's day -- my dad is with my uncle in PA, my mom is in Louisiana, my bro in Hawaii, and I myself is in NJ. "4 people, 4 different places" as my grandma puts it. Grandma, in bed, not able to move due to injury from falling in the middle of the night 2 weeks ago. The phrase "I've fallen and I can't get up." will no longer be a silly TV ad to me. I've the image of my grandma hurt, silently calling for help in the middle of the night laying there cuz she really cannot move.

Black clouds.

I couldn't even think of what mental thoughts to jot down on the train ride home tonight. It's all so jumbled up here.

Music once again expresses what I can't in words: Elba by E.S. Posthumus.

Semester Bills

While watching "So You Think You Can Dance", yes, lovely program, I was sorting out the boxes of memories from my younger days. Tonight in particular I went through my past academic "stuff".

I am a packrat. I still got my elementary school report cards. Hey those are important!! If I ever have kids, I'll make them keep it as well and the only chance they'll get to throw them away is when they burn it along with me when I finally croak. Yah, I wouldn't want to be buried. Such a confined space. I would rather be spread into the ocean or sea or wherever, preferably somewhere with clean air and water. Take note future child.

Anyways, so I was talking about my inability to part with things. But tonight, I made some progress. Thank goodness for scanners! Whoever invented the scanner is a genius and perhaps the biggest packrat of them all. The mother of all packrats! the ancestor! the master! the legend!

Okie.. off my meds tonight.. so.. I digress again. I love scanning, scanning and filing all of it away in my computer, makes me so happy.

Here I am close to midnight scanning in my semester bills from college days.

It's a good day.

Hustle & Flow

Just finished watching Terrence Dashon Howard in the film Hustle & Flow. Great film. You got the non-typical protagonist of the story -- a pimp, and the supporting cast, mainly -- his hos. Pardon the language, but just going with the flow now. With these characters to start with how can the movie ever get boring?

We get a glimpse of what it's like to be DJay, even if just for a little bit. A man going through his midlife crisis, questioning "is this it for me?" Now that's a man I can relate to; a character all of us can identify with at one point or the other.

"It ain't over for me. No, it ain't over for me." DJay raps over and over. Everyman's got to have a dream.

It ain't over for me either.

Karoke in My Room

Now, I am sure everyone, even those that won't admit it to others, when there's no one else in the car with ya and the radio is up playing your favorite tune, you find yourself start with the humming. Then your foot taps along with the beat, next comes your fingers on the steering wheel. You gain that little bit of confidence (well since you can hardly hear yourself because the music is loud enough for the car next to you to name that tune even with the windows up) and the head start bobbing and then all of a sudden you hear yourself belting out that favorite line "I believe I can fly! I believe I can touch the sky!..." ehhh.. or whatever is on your CD at the moment.

It's a nice moment isn't it?

No one around to critic you on how off key you are or to suggest that you take a lesson before ever consider singing infront of children.

Anyways, I had those moments today. Instead of doing my work, well, I did some work, but mostly I was engrossed recording myself singing along with my fav songs.

Three tracks. I recorded 3 tracks last night. They sounded alright. I wouldn't be distributing them anytime soon.

DIY - Saved Some Money

I didn't save any money on my car insurance today but I did save some $$ by changing out the wiperblades on my car. Well technically only the refills for the blades.

Yah really nothing to brag about, but I do feel better about myself. Cheap therapy.

Whole process took me a good 30 minutes at least. Cuz I am slow and didn't realize the trick to it until I've mucked around for 15 minutes. Hopefully this set of blades refills will last at least another 3 years.

2 front refills = 6.38
1 rear refill = 3.19

Total cost = 9.57

Not bad, not bad at all. Now my little Element is ready for the rain.

Thanks H and A Accessories!

Researching Doctors

Why aren't there forums out there for people to recommend doctors in their hometown area? Huh?

Isn't it frustrating for everyone to figure out which docs are lifesavers and which ones might push you one step closer to the grave?

Okay fine, I might be a little dramatic, but seriously, I racked up some good hours each time I move to a new place or need a new doctor.

Maybe that'll be my money making scheme.. mohhhahahahaa... shh...

Anyways, so instead of working on work, I was doing searches on the web and then cross referencing the different search results to compile a PDF doc with comments on each docs. Yes, I am anal, and I am proud.

Here's the process. Since I have Health Net and their doc finder doesn't really provide details on where the docs went to school and what is their background, I had to do the following (Health Net! Pay attention!):

1 - Search for doctors in my area in Health Net
2 - Print search results into PDF
3 - Search for docs in my area in UnitedHealthcare
4 - Cross reference doctors in PDF file with the results from UnitedHealthcare and take down notes
5 - Search for docs in my area in Aetna
6 - Cross reference doctors in PDF file with the results from Aetna and take down notes
7 - Read over my PDF with notes and then decide which doctor to call up.

Phew!! You telling me!!

In addition, I also like to check to see if the medical doctors are listed in American Board of Medical Specialties or in American Medical Association.

Always good to know who's going to be looking over you or operating on you. Too many horror stories out there about weirdos with fake certificates pretenting to be some medical profession.

Ah, at least several hours of work is not in vain. Buys me some comfort in narrowing down the choices.

Oh yah, I finally remember why I am blogging about researching for docs.. cuz I need one to look at the mellon sitting on top of my shoulders. A month after I was attacked by an electrical pole (full story here) I am still feeling the slight bump, depression and what seems like a crack on my upper right portion of my skull. Figured I better get it checked out in case I am leaking brain fluid.

MOMA - Revisited

Finally met up with a long time college friend in the city today. America is so big and with everyone's schedule, meetings like these are hard to come by.

MOMA it was. Working for corporate America does have its perks -- free admission to some top museums. But not at the Guggenheim though! Cheap @#f@#$. I shouldn't be so harsh, at least I get in some places for free.

Snapped while waiting for friend to show up. Classic streets of NYC.




We went through the exhibitions pretty quickly. Neither of us think too deeply about what the artist was thinking when they created their painting, art, or sculpture. Art is too subjective for me. Some of those paintings hung on the walls look like chicken scratches to me. But I am impressed with all the artists who managed to have others acknowledge their work as "art".

Is it superb marketing? Knowing the right people? Or really 100% talent?

Who knows. I did find some pieces that attracted me visually.


Rene Magritte - The Empire of Light II



Yves Tanguy - Extinction of Useless Light




Barnett Newman - Vir Heroicus Sublimis



I don't know the painter, but the guy matched the painting.





Open Early
Open Late
Open 7 Days

Mohahahahaa!!! I rhymed! As I crack myself up reading outloud Commerce Bank's logo, my friend looked down at me and said "yo, you stupid".

God it's good to have friends.

Scrubbing and Washing in the Rain

June -- has been temperamental so far.

Humid, cool, thunderstorms, and sunny days. Today ranked in the constant downpour to scattered showers range. Someone up there probably heard my pleas for reasons to procrastinate further so they granted me water --- free water!!!

Cheap ass like me can't give up this grand opportunity to get a free car wash. What happened to all those handwashed car services? Now majority of them have those tunnels installed where your car is moved through the spray, scrub, rinse, and blow dry cycle.

Part of the process involves some human labor, but most of the work is done by metal equipment. [Robots are going to take over the world!!]

Anyways, I've always wanted to wash my car in the rain. Doesn't everyone? So I did a quick change into my wet gear:
- Children's Place yellow slicker (it's so cute!)
- sandles
- shorts

Armed with an umbrella and a towel, into the rain I went. Oh, I was out there for good 30 - 40 minutes, giving the Element a good scrub and wipe down. Getting to places ignored by the machines. I am sure all the neighbors think there's a crazy Asian living amongst them. Whatever, I enjoyed the activity.

It's a cleansing feeling. Just you, the car, and the rain. Oh yah, and the garbage can you forgot to bring in for 2 nights now.

Pitter Patter, down came the splatter.

A Fine Example of Idiocy

I've been waiting for my new Cingular wireless phones to arrive since the day I placed the order. You know how it goes. Place the order, wait wait wait for the order confirmation and the shipping tracking number. Get the number and click on the link to see the updated shipping status every 5 minutes..

Finally the phones have arrived! Being my usual anal self, I started going through all 4 boxes of Sony Ericsson z520a to make sure everything is there. Ah ha! I found one of the phones have a pretty big scratch on the bottom of the internal screen. Getting pissy I mumbled to myself "What is this? Is this like one of those phones that customers returned? How come the packaging folks didn't think about adding on a sheet of clear plastic to protect the screens?"

So the next step logical of an unhappy customer is to call up someone to complain.


"Hi, I just received my new phones from Cingular this morning and there's a pretty big scratch towards the bottom of the internal screen. Is there a way I can get an exchange for my phone?"

"Hi, yes, is the scratch on the plastic covering or on the screen itself?"

"The scratch is not on the external screen but on the inner screen which I don't see a plastic covering. Is there one? Oh wait... let me check."

[Sidebar: I swear I checked to make sure there was no plastic on the internal screen before I made the call!"]


"When the phones are shipped there's usually a cover on both of the screens."

[Then I lifted the little tab on the screen completely... viola!! Look at that!]

"Oh!! sorry about this, yes... there is a plastic cover sheet. I didn't see it before."

"It's ok, a lot of people call in with that problem."



Yes, I felt like an idiot for the rest of the day.

We Have No Beef

I was stunned when I heard Bush say the words "We have no beef with Iran." on CNN Live. The president of the United States of America said "we have no beef"? At least Tony Blair is a little more eloquent when he answered the press with "We have no quarrels.. ".

I don't know whether to applaud Mr. Bush for speaking his mind or say "for shame!" for speaking like that on an issue watched closely by the world.

Well have to give it to Bush. He's probably the first president in American history who has ever used the words "we have no beef".

Clouds & Music - Balm for the Soul

I think we all have one of those days that started out great and then out of nowhere, a mood killer event happens and the day just turned into crap.

Today was one of those days. So like the typical me, I retreated back to my invisible shell and shut the door tightly behind me. I might have even used some duct tape today.

I wonder if turtles ever wished they can have an extra flap? So that after they withdrew their head, from the inside they can push like this little flap of skeleton door and shut the hole so that pesky humans would not be able to poke them with various items. Perhaps.

After a good nap in the Element, by the way for those of you Element owners out there that haven't tried putting all the seats down flat and sleeping in the back, try it! The seats are amazingly comfortable. Prop open the skylight (so I won't run out of air), lay down and look up at the moving clouds, with the sun gently blanketing me with warmth - divine. Moments like this, what more can I ask for? Some people love chocolate, I love resting in my Element. Each to his own. Anyways, I digress. So, I was saying, after a good nap, I felt much more de-stressed.

Then came the discovery of AOL Radio with XM that came with the new AIM Triton. Pretty cool I have to admit. I was surprised there is a Movie Scores station. I guess music scores are more popular than I thought. I love music scores. Found a new album tonight - Veronica Guerin. I have not seen the movie but the station played the track "Conversations". It was hauntingly beautiful.

Music to my ears and clouds for my sore eyes. Maybe the turtle will come out tomorrow.

First Step

This morning, and literally this morning, 3:25 AM to be precise, I submitted my first resume to an employment agency after 6+ years out of college.

Whohooo! The feeling after finally pressing that Submit trigger came close to euphoric, as happy one can be at 3 in the morning. It was such a relief! More like I did it step! Well so far no response yet, but at least I didn't get one of those standard - "Thank you for your interest in our company. We have kept your resume in our system and will be contacting you if there are any openings that fit your profit."

So there's hope!

Import Planning Manager, that was the job title. The job description sounded pretty cool. Actually, I am quite excited by the prospect of working with home decor items and use my Chinese background to my advantage. Although, I have a feeling that one day I'll need to go back and learn how to write Chinese, esp Simplified Chinese instead of the Traditional words.

Just another job seeker in Monster, but one big step for little me.

人情

Mommy 說的對, 人情很難還.

佛言: 欲知前世因,今天受者是. 欲知來世果,今生作者是.

如果今世身邊得人都對你很好, 是因你前生修來的福, 還是他們欠你的?


I think it was this morning that I had one of those toilet dreams again. The toilets haven't came back to haunt my dream realm for a long time now. Not once in Taiwan. A long line, I was waiting in a long line outside of a bathroom in a public place. By the time I finally moved up to the front of the line, taking a look at the dirty toilets I decided to forfeit my position and say "Oh, forget it!" What was differen this time is that there weere probably 1 or 2 people ahead of me, but I gave up the chance to relieve my bladder even before I got to position number 1. So what does this mean? That I am giving up too early? That I am giving up without really making an attempt? Or is this about sex somehow? Freud says everything is about some unconscious notion leaning towards some sexual feelings. Something like that right?

VOIP - Voiceral

Voiceral should give me a free month of service for the free advertisement I am about to write for them.

Several days after getting back to the States, along with the dreadful thought of going back to work, a more imminent problem was at hand - phone service.

Including me, there are now 3 people in this house working from home and there's only 1 phone line. That won't do. So the search begins for a cheap but good VOIP solution. There was no way I am going to spend precious celly minutes for conf calls. Scouring over the sites and forums for reviews, finally found one that sounded like a good fit for me - Voiceral. The biggest draw for me was their $14.99 plan with unlimited calling to US, Canada + calls to landlines in China, Taiwan, and Hong Kong. So I figured, what the heck, doesn't hurt to try. Plus they have a 30 day guarantee right?


Shipping & Equipment
--------------------
Online, I ordered the service on 5/10/2006. On 5/15/2006 (there was 2 weekend days) I got the adapter kit consisting of a little silver plastic covered thing (about 3"x2.5"), a short telephone cable, a short Ethernet cable, 2 pieces of paper (directions and features) and the power supply. Following the simple directions, viola! Plugged that sucker in and hey look at that I can make calls!! Very portable.

Voice Quality
-------------
Get to the point right? How's the voice quality? Not bad actually. Some of the calls I made sounded to the others like I am in a conf room, a little bit of echo. But that was about it. Other calls sounded perfectly clear to me, very little breakups. I do notice a little here and there, but it's fine with me. Not too distracting at all. I've made local and long distances calls in the US and also calls to Taiwan. Pretty satisfied with the service so far.

Customer Support
----------------
How's customer support? I called the tech support on the first day when I thought there's something that's preventing my phone ringer to go on mute. Turns out that I dind't check the obvious - dam ringer volume was turne off on my phone itself - Doh, don't I feel like an idiot afterwards. Anyways, although no one answered when I called, I was able to leave a message. The tech support called me back within 2 hours. The response time is something Voiceral can improve in the future, but the tech calling back was pretty courteous so at least that's nice. Under normal circumstances, one probably wouldn't really need to call the tech support too often.

Summary
-------
So overall summary - for my first VOIP service provider, I am pretty happy with Voiceral so far. Hopefully what they advertise is accurate and that I do not incur any extra charges for making calls over to Taiwan, China, or Hong Kong.

By the way there is a $29 one-time setup fee and a $9.99 shipping/handling fee. I didn't see the one time fee until after I placed the order, but it's still cheaper than going with local phone carriers.

Hey if anyone is going to try Voiceral, I can refer you! I get a free month for referals. Of course, this is not the main reason I am writing a review on Voiceral. Just thought I share my experiences :)

Power to the blogs!

So Flat

"So flat", I thought to myself as I looked out my window down at Seattle.

As we fly closer to the Seattle airport, I can't help thinking about the difference between United States and China. If Seattle was in China, the housing around the water would certainly be at least 20 stories instead of the single family homes.

I am back.

The Day I Walked/Slammed My Head Into An Electrical Pole

If anyone asks me, "Name one of the stupidest things you have ever done.", I would answer right away with, "I walked/slammed my head against an electrical pole.".

Yes, I think all of us walked into things before. But when it's my turn to become a klutz, I do it 100%.

So the story goes.. after guma, guchung, and I got dropped off from the Karoke Bus at the corner of the street, we started walking home. It's a short walk, but the night was dark already. As we were walking, I see that guma had a bunch of our shopping bags in her hands. Turning towards her while continuing walking forward, I bent down to take some bags off her hands. Little did I know, the evil electrical pole was approaching fast. That sneaky thing. Continuing to walk forward, I turned while straightening and "KAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNGGGG!!!!" was the next thing I heard.

Houston, we have contact!

Here's an accurate portrayal, anatomically correct pictorial drawing for those who can't read good:



What I felt was my head bouncing away from a very hard thing. I didn't know what happened at that second for all I can see is black. Well cuz it's dark out AND also cuz the force at which I slammed my head into the pole severely bent my newly adjusted glasses, smushing it against my oily face.

Guchung who was at least 30 feet ahead of us, briskly came back after he heard the "KAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNGGGGGG!!" When questioned if I was okay, I was like "yah, I am fine."

My guma then sheepishly laughed and said "That was loud." Hahahaha...

Well I wasn't laughing when I felt that large egg hatching underneath the impact point later that night. No break of the skin, but the scalp was definitely red and it started to hurt.

"Dooh!!!!" Well, I've always had a thick skull. Hopefully no permanent damage was done, but it sure feels like I cracked it and indented it at the same time.

My brain!! My brain!!!

That night guma and I griped about the local government and their stupidity for placing an electrical pole in the middle (fine!) towards the middle left of a pedestrian walkway, esp with no lights. The discussion got even more heated when guma mentioned that electrical pole is no longer in service because they moved all the wires underground.

There was talk about filing a complaint with the local government by the time we headed to sleep.

Stupid pole!!

Two Meals

Overstuffed today.

I had plans to go see docs this morning about my recent breathing problems, but that all went out the window this morning, starting with my dad telling me to wake up cuz we need head out.

Scooted my ass off the raised platform, my make shift bedroom, and after some brush-ups, into the van and off we go. Where to? I had no idea until I got into the van. Guchung, pop, and I were invited to celebrate the birthday of my nephew. Sure, why not! But I would appreciate it if pop would've told me ahead of time.

Anyways, the company was great. I finally got to meet my other niece and nephew. Nice bunch of kids. The restaurant had a very earthy deco with wood tones and faux slate throughout the restaurant. I was like an tourist, snapping away, inside and out. The little courtyards outside are pretty. Even pop liked the decor. Enough to say take more pics so that we can show my brother what he can do with his yard.

The food was yummy as well. Italian cuisine was served. Interesting eh? Well these type of restaurants are the current fad here in Taiwan.

Within a year or so, the Taiwanese people will be coming up with some other way wine and dine.

After couple hours of rest, it's feeding time again. Off we went to a relatives house for din din. Dinner was good as well. The auntie can really cook. Saw more cousins there and listened to the older folks chat about family history, health, burial or cremation after death, and of course answer the questions about whether I have a boyfriend or not.

My standard answer is that, nope, I am not looking right now. Which is the truth. I have no idea where I'll be in a month. No need to stir the pot more.

Penis of An Armadillo

The penis of an armadillo is 2/3 the length of its body.



Well I would have never guessed.


Ouch.




Things one learn watching Discovery Channel. The armadillos need the length in order to mate with the female; to be able to reach underneath the female's armor.

Awake

Another day, another night.

I am neither in a foreign land,
nor in a foreign state.

"Change of place, change of scenary",
some threw out,
"will do you good to help you figure things out".

Nay, I am still awake when others lie,
snoring away half the night.

Same worries, same doubts.
Same question "What am I to do now?"

The Fatty Cyst

Another $35 bucks spent on health. That makes it what? Hmm about $150 YTD and it's only mid Feb. Great.. should've upped the heathcare spending account to like a grand or something. Well today was for the removal of my fatty cyst embedded on the back of my forearm. One of the many many many cycsts. Why do I have them? "Blame your father" is what my dermatologist said to me. So it's in the genes. I received the thick skin and the fat cysts tagged along. This particular cyst was a midsized one compared others in my arm. I nevered named it so I'll just refer to it as it.

Well fat cysts are for the most part invisible to others. But you can definitely feel them if you got them in the skin. You can pinch them (although my doc does not suggest that cuz it'll just make them grow bigger), you can move them.. they feel like a little soft BB in the skin. I got this huge one at the shoulder but doc did not suggest that I remove it cuz due to the size and location of the cyst, the scar will stretch and tend to get quite big.

So on with the procedure. I arrived at the office approximately 8:44 AM. I was called in to the room around 8:55 AM. I waited around and stripped down to my T-shirt of course the jeans stayed on. Doc came in and asked "Are you sure you want to do this?". Doc didn't really think removing these things were necessary cuz others can't see them and they are harmless. But I wanted the one on my forearm gone. Why? Cuz I see it and I tend to squeeze them everytime I see it. Besides, I really wanted to make sure it's not cancerous. Call me pessimistic.

The doc had me laid down on my side and have my arm facing him. Not sure why I needed to lay down for that but what the heck, it was comfy. So he first drew on me with a pen to marke the spot of the cyst. He drew a circle in blue ink pen. Now was that sanitary?

Next he took a little needle filled with some type of local numbing agent. I am too tired to look up correct spelling of anethssthics.. So numbing agent it is. He took that and gave me little shots around the target. The skin I noticed immediately puffed up a bit. Looked like a huge bug bite without the redness.

"You don't have to watch this." he said.

"Ah, I am curious on what it looks like." As I look on with the procedure.

"Cool you are going to watch." doc beamed.

I guess not a lot of patients like to watch? Not I, as long as I don't feel any pain why not?

Then he took this blue tube like thing.. and twisted it down on the mark he drew. Kinda like corkscrew, he turned and turned and that is how the top layer of skin was removed. Out came this little chunk of circular layer of skin. He snipped it off and put what was a part of me into this plastic lab cup.

Now comes the interesting part..the doc then tries to pop out the cyst but it was stubborn so in goes the scissors. Snip snip snip, and out came this yellow ball. It's very similiar to color of chicken fat, but darker. The cyst was enclosed in this type of outer flexy membrane. I was surprised how big it was compared to what I felt. Interesting. That also went into the lab cup.

The doc also cauterized the insides of the cut to minimize bleeding. I was surprised to see less blood than what I had imagined. Doc only sewed me up with 1 stitch. What's up with that? I would think at least 2.

So that was the fat cyst removal process.

I still got my original bandage on there, wondering how it will look tomorrow.

Made Up My Mind

It's a glorious day, Feb 17, 2006. It sure didn't start out that way. Sure the sun was shining and the geese .. whatever they do.. the wind was blowing.. you get the idea. Anyways, I woke with a start, having dreamt that my energy sector stocks were tumbling and that my ROTH IRA account was now 6k less than what I started at the beginning of the month. If that doesn't jarr one from sleep I don't know what will.

So the routine begins. Roll off the bed, onto the floor, and waited for brain to wake up. Ten minutes later, I couldn't resist the curiousity so the little Dell is turned on. After verifying I have not lost my shirt off my back, the attention was turned to the fridgid whether and the depressing news of global warmer. Great... NYC and part of FL will be underwater some time within this century.

Buy land in the midwest!

I have been setting 3 alarms recently. First one goes off at 3:30 AM.. why? to get up and do work. 2nd one goes off at 7 AM. Why? Incase I slept through the 3:30 AM alarm. The last one is set to buzz at 8 AM. Why? Cuz this is the absolutely must wake up time.

Once or twice I did wake up at 3:30 to do work. Actually got more done in those hours. Away from flashing sametimes and brain numbing tv shows. I did not look foward to waking up. There's the first internal design review to go over this morning. At 8:30 AM, I was still checking out news and articles on the web. I've been doing that a lot lately. Trying to find stuff other than work to occupy my time. Doing design for these new functionalities have been like pulling out ingrown hair, all over the back. It's painful and you can't really get around to it. Then it hits me again, that feeling of being trapped and that there's little you can do. I didn't like that feeling and the thought of working on code design and developing code just makes me miserable thinking about it.

So that was it.. call it 6 year long spontaneous decision, call it a cop-out, call it finally finding the courage, whatever it is, I have made up my mind. It's time to make my exit from Big Blue. For real this time.

I was checking stock forums, but that lead to scouring the posts in Ask The Headhunter from The Motley Fool. The article Taking A Salary Cut To Change Careers had 2 analogies for the situation. A particular one, that although was not on the top of my list of cons, ever the practical one, it's always on my mind.

1 - Think of a tree. The branches of the tree represent the paths that you take. The article talks about climbing up this one particular branch and looking around you find out that this is not the direction you wanted to take or it's coming to a dead end ahead. Eventually you know you are going to have to turn around or just be stuck there up on a branch that's not leading you anywhere. So in order to do that, you have to come down, retrace your steps, prehaps start all the way over to the lowest level the trunk of the tree. But you gotta take that step before you can climb over to a new branch.


2 - The second analogy is something I can definitely relate to - Stocks!
Cut your losses early on or else the price gets costlier.


Well we are on the topic of analogies, why not bring up Who Moved My Cheese again? Yes, so there's the 3rd analogy.


3 - Someone moved the cheese from usual position in the mouse maze. One mouse decided to venture into the unknown to look for that cheese while the other just waited around to see if the cheese will come back.



Message to take away is that, yah, it's going to be rough to start over or to venture into the unfamiliar territory. But that's all part of the process to find that thing you find most rewarding.


So, what's the plan? Not 100% sure, but I will be trying my hands to get into more of the writing field. In the meantime picking up odds and ends jobs, prehaps one of those on the Stepping Stones article. Companies such as Starbucks or Whole Foods that offer medical benefits after working something like 400 hours.. avg 20 hours a week.

Something.. there will always be projects and deadlines which should've been completed yesterday. Do I feel bad that the project will be lacking some resources to finish it? A little.. but whose fault would it be if everything hinges on one person? Esp in a company as big as IBM? It would be arrogant and egocentric of me to think that the division will not be able to survive without me. Sure, they might be in a bind for couple of weeks. But they'll recover soon enough. If they don't then managment really need to think hard about relying too much or putting too much weight on a single entity. Listen to me.. entity. .. dam technical mumble jumble.

Long story short, been in IT/progamming/consulting/configuration/programming field for about 6 years now.. from co-ops to interns to corporate. Time to make a move. Got friends who got engaged, to getting married, to having baby #1, and now baby #2. After 6 years, I filled the apt full with just stuff.. most of it just paper lying around, got my instruments that I haven't learned how to play yet. That's it.. 6 years. Sure there has been good days. Most of the people I've met throughout these years have been my only source of human interaction. Work for the most part monopolized my time. My bad for letting work to take over my personal time. I didn't speak up, I didn't make a fuss and a ruckus. Stupid me, I just buried my head and tried to do the best I can. But that was just incredibly foolish of me. Six years have passed and I have not made a single stride.

I don't know how long it'll take me to find the job I am looking for, but I am looking toward the change, and I will make it.

First Set Done

Thank God.. good grief.. mother #@#$$%^^!! .. *sigh*.. 2 weeks I got 1 set of documentation docs done at around 5 am 12 days later.. wonder if I can blame it on the material or the writer's block.. God... .. just have noooooo motivation to work on that thing.. it puts me asleep..

anyways.. you ever dig stuff out of your belly button? Well I hit a mine today.. bunch of little pieces of what I can tell dried crap.. yah that's a good word.. came out after much finger digging. Surprisingly it didn't stink! I remember a time where I wouldn't stick anything in my belly button for that item has to be quarantined and nuked cuz it was just vile.

Don't know what happened between then and now. No more foul odors, just dried crap. If these black brittle fragments are what is left from my umbilical cord that would be pretty neat. Disgusting, but neat. To think these nasty things I am rubbing between my fingers might have been there for roughly 29 years now... amazing.. I've always wanted to be an archeologist.. well guess it's dream come true.

Things to do before I leave this planet:

archeologist - done

Let the Games Begin!

Just finished watching the opening ceremony for the 2006 winter Olympics in Torino. This opening ceremony was a bit of a contrast from Athens. While Greece had put on a very well orchestrated artistic show that inspired many "woes!" from everyone around the world, Torino presented the ceremony in more of a casual fun light hearted way. The focal point with this Olympics ceremony for Italy was clever choreography and people power. My favorite part was when probably hundres of performers lined up and formed the shape of a giant skier and shown in sort of a Lego/claymation type of a way. Then through change of formation, we saw through aerial shots the giant skier's downhill ski trip. It was utterly brilliant and fun and engaging to watch.

Couple of things surprised me. The use of 80's American music throughout most of the opening ceremony and the use of American performer Peter Gabriel. Yes he was singing song of peace, I guess it's more of the message that counts. But what about Italian performers singing in English?

Cool... let the games begin, only if we can all play along in the bigger world. But then the specials won't be that special anymore right? Maybe it'll be even better like how Monday Night football draws a crowd and that's only national.

Anyways.. down to business:

Worst dressed = China
- what the @#$? what they wearing!! It looked like they just got out of the midnight shift from Intel's factory with their shapeless, unflattering, white lab coats. Man they were fugly! What the heck...who is picking all this Olympic merchandis for them? First it was the fugly, demon looking, scarier than tellatubee things.. for the Beijin Olympics .. .now the lab coats/white garbage bags? I really hope they acquire a better taste by 2008. Asians have been making clothing for thousands of years, even if they didn't want to show off the traditional patterns I am sure there's a design better than the white blunt cut.

Coolest sporty jackets = Germany
- now those are some nice looking, refreshing jackets, in colorful green and orange mixes.. thumbs up

Chic casual jackets = Slovenia
- I want one!! the offwhite trench coat like jackets paired with an apple green scarf.. very very classy and slick.. nice..


Hahah.. I am not the only one who thought Solenvia's outfit rocked!.. found this funny commentary blog on the fashion show we witnessed at Torino this year. Wonder where I can buy one..

Comments on 2006 Winter Olympic Opening Ceremony

Stocks and Work

How does one judge productivity? Am I being productive when instead of work I am busy learning about stocks trying to make money? Or is that just slacking off at work? Probably the latter. But can you blame me? Come on.. it's doing documentation or looking at the little nice tickers go up and down.. red.. green... red again.. green green green... red.... it's like Christmas all over again!

I was dumped into the design/documentation/implementation project about 2 weeks ago. The first set of tasks is to document all the stuff we need to get into the next release of the product. Well, after being on the fast pace demo team for about a year, getting back to technical writing proved to be a bit difficult for my mind and body to get acclimated. Having an active stock market doesn't help either. My mind wanders to stocks. I dream about the opening bell and the first 10 minutes after it, with all the crazy trading. I see stocks drop 10 dollars and I wake rushing to turn on my desktop, ready and eager to get in on bargains.

And oh yah.. work.. suppose to talk about my procrastination problem. Where was I? So 2 weeks later.. the huge design doc is due tomorrow. How much do I have done? ehh.. i say maybe 40 percent if even. Everytime I look at that thing it makes me yawn and the eyes turn filmy.. and my bed beckons me.

It's my job (for now) so I must do whatever it takes.... gawd... my ass is numb.. maybe some exercise will help. Doubt it.

Smallville - "Reckoning"

There was a little upturn at the corners of my mouth as I suppressed a smile when they finally ended the Lana character on Smallville. But.. a twist they threw in those writers.. they didn't kill off Lana! So then I was all tense when Clark went to see Chloe to tell about the 2nd chance he has received to change destiny. When Chloe promised that she won't leave Lana's side all night, I cried out "Nooooooooo, Chloe's going to die this time!".

But at the end it was Mr. Kent that got written out of the show. Whyy whyyy didn't they just leave Lana be.. whyy...

Interested in others' reactions, I logged onto the Smallville fan site KryptonSite and found that many others like me were happy/ecstatic/overjoyed/sang words of praise when Lana bit the dust. Unfortunately for us, it looks like we have to endure more episodes with the dragging Clana relationship.

We'll miss you Jonathan Kent!

(Hmmm.. maybe Clark will find a crystal again..)

God I love fan sites.. it's hilarious to read and for those of you who have never visited your fav show's site, try it one day. You'll find surprising detailed analysis, good writing, and the posts can be funny as heck.

Spock or Dumb and Dumber?

Ahh, it's nice to shower. Nice to be clean. While I was squeezing some whiteheads out of a stressed out/lack of sleep face, I noticed that I look vaguely familiar in the mirror. Then I realized I am a junior Spock! What the...

My bangs have not grown out fully yet.. it's almost .. almost to the eyebrow.. maybe give it another month. So with a fully blown dry hair, it was either Spock or Jim Carey in Dumb and Dumber. Neither image is flattering to the ego.

Back To The Dungeon

Before I get on with my whining, I just had the strangest experience. So here goes, on my excursion out of my apt to do my rounds at the normal wee hours (visit the garbage dumpster, pickup mail from downstairs), I was fascinated by the trees lining or probably more like leaning at the back of the apt complex. These huge trees are all leaning over at least 35 degrees. Those things are going to go next time we have a big ice/snow/wind storm. Freaking apt complex landlord is too cheap to hire people to come and cut those things down before someone else's car gets crushed or worst yet injuries from falling trees.

So there I was looking up at the trees and then haphazardly swung my bag of garbage into the dumpster. Swooosh....... Thunk! It lands on the lid and then falls into the abyss. Before I can mentally congratulate myself for making the incredible shot, I noticed this brown object on top of the lid.

It's moving!!!

My brain finally kicked in and identified the "thing" as a raccoon with its back towards me. It turned its head around a second later and looked at me. We looked at one another and I started to apologize softly when I noticed it is breathing kinda fast.

"hey buddy.. i am sorry .. did i scary you? did I? ooh don't be scared, i am not gonna hurt chya"

I think I almost gave that poor thing a heartattack when I swung my garbage in his direction.

After taking about a minute break to calm its heart down, he kinda looked at me with the expression saying: "Jesus, there I am eating dinner and you.. *sigh*".

With that and one more look of dismay, it walked back to the hole in the fence and ended our encounter.

----

So on with my bitching.

Close to dinner time today I received 2 e-mails from work.

The first one is from the manager telling me that hey I am getting pulled back to the product team to help on the next release of the product doing configuration. At least they didn't have the nerve to assign me to some coding project.

The second e-mail was from my manager's boss, a partner of the company saying hey I support the decision to put you back in the dungeon and by the way appreciate everyone for their efforts!

If I weren't so busy trying to get this demo done for them I think the sailor in me would've came out in full force.

Now it's like a slow boil... bubbling.. bubbling.. tomorrow is when I'll find out the details of this sudden assignment.

This is what I despise as being a "consultant". Wait a minute, didn't they change my title to "IT Specialist"? Whatever, I am still getting pimped out. Regardless of your wants and preferences, you are sent off to wherever they dictate.

So to apply what I've been reading on roadtrip nation, I need to change my attitude and view this just another sign/confirmation that my current job is not the path that will make me happy and that it's time to get the ass moving toward the pursuit of happiness.

Monster.com here I come!!

I complained to friends and family already, and also co-workers. One friend in particular said that she refuses to say words of encouragement to me cuz she's been harping that for years. Instead the tactic will be reverse psychology. She said, "You are going to die alone and in front of a computer." Booohooo..... I don't want to die infront of a computer :(

My mom was a bit different. She said that tell them you can do the work but you won't be happy about it. When I told her about the publishing job posting on Monster the Virgo/extremely practical realist side of her came out and pointed out "do you know how much money you can make working only 40 hours on some of these minimum wage jobs? do you know how little money you'll actually be able to take home after all the taxes and deductions?"

But I held on strong, saying "well I gotta start somewhere." Wonder if Michael Dell would commend me if he heard those words.

6 hours till meeting time. Lovely.

Of Music and Career Advice

Reading does enhance one's view and knowledge. It's a shame most people don't have the time to read these days. Especially the kids born in this technology laden world.

Anyways, I digress. Going through the magazines before I drop it off downstairs in hopes others might want to read them, I found 2 really cool articles/websites. Before I get to those, I just want to do a plug for Fast Company and Business 2.0, two of the most time worthy magazines available on the newstands. The articles are well written and the info presented is unique and more thought provoking than your usual gambit of waiting area magazines.

I like listening to a pretty broad range of music. So for people like me, Pandora is pretty cool. You are able to create free radio stations by entering 1 of the songs you like. The company's algorithms then uses that one seed song to create a radio station of songs it thinks you'll like based on your first input. Best of all did I mention it's for free? It's a great way to discover other artists out there.

The other site/company is called roadtrip nation. There's a lot of informally conducted interviews of leaders on career advice and what it was that took them to get into the field they are in now. For those of us out there who still feel directionless, prehaps we can find some inspiration from those who have found their passion and made a career out of it.

Nokian WR-SUV 215/70/R16

I didn't win the lotto, but lately it sure seems like it buying things left and right. Like today, it was for my trusted Element, my only means of transportation (beside my legs). The treads on the stock tires are very close to the mark for replacement. My mechanic told me so last time as well. Yes I did the penny test to double check, and yep, time to get rid of the Goodyear Wranglers.

After scouraging the web and Element Owners Club forums, my top 2 choices of tires went to:

a. Nokian WR-SUV 215/70/16 ~$135/tire
b. Yokohama Geolandar H/T-S G051 215/70/16 ~$78/tire

Yah there's a steep price difference. Nokians almost doubled Yokohamas!! Tires these days are getting shee shee.. silica compound and directional arrowhead treading..siping

Winter has been light on snow thus far and there were several icy storms. But after the Thanksgiving trip back to PA, where I've seen at least 6 vehicle accidents, it was easy to justify shelling out close to $700 for a new set of all weather tires.

There's too much riding on those tires to regret getting the best for what I can afford to minimize risk in unplanned hazardous driving situtations. Esp when carrying precious cargo such as my family and friends, I don't ever want to mutter the words "I wish I had.. I should've gotten.. ".

So why Nokians? Well I've heard read nothing but rave reviews on them for their superior handling in rain, ice and snow.

No, I don't work for Nokian. I just like to do a lot of research especially before big purchases. So the call was made for 4 Nokians around 4:46 PM.

For those of you living in areas with a lot of bad weather, prehaps consider Nokians. Here are some articles I've found:

Real World Snow Tire Tests - 2002
Real World Snow Tire Tests - 2004
Nokian Tires
Canadian Driver - Nokian WR - Review
Element Owners Club - go into the forums and search for "Nokian"

Whohooo!! I'll get my new tires next week!

Hopefully riding with the Nokians, the white knuckle syndrome will go away whenever driving through foul weather.

The Night Calls on Me

Maybe I am a vampire. I seem to be more awake and alive at night then when the shining and birds are chirping.

Got my new set of headphones today from Amazon and I love them! It's the Philips SBC HS500. After the discount, got them for around 8 bucks or so, what bargain. The bass is rich and strong, sounds great and they are comfy! iPod has been running for 3 hours now. Ears still feel fine.

Go Amazon.com reviews! This is a classic example that usually going with the crowd is the right direction. Masses rule, isn't that a saying?

Nah, I don't think I am a vampire cuz I am awfully sleepy right now. Maybe it's cuz I don't drink blood? Hmm maybe it's just my iron is low again. Is that the reason vampires have to drink blood? Thought I read it somewhere before, don't recall now.

I am pack rat. Cannot throw away things in my possession easily. Trying to sort out stacks of magazines but I have to go through each page first to make sure I read it all before turning it for recycling. Wonder how many others are like me?

Finally... 1 down, 40 more to go.

The Urges at Night

Wonder how many people out there have urges to fit everything they've wanted to accomplish during the day in the past week into 4 hours after midnight? I bet a lot.

Well my sleeping schedule is has gone to hell. Been working late hours again after coming back from vacation and it's screwing with my biological clock. I worked for 25 hours straight and then went to bed around 1 pm on 1/18/06. Ring.... rrrrrrrring!! The shrill woke me up. Grabbing the phone, I tried to make my voice sounded as professional as possible considering it was only around 4ish in the afternoon. I should be working. Instead I was in La La Land.

"Hello?" - yah great way to answer the phone

"Hey there? This is ******". Great, my big boss, a partner of the company is calling me to discuss PBC results. I was struggling to prop myself up from the bed while he rambled on about my 2005 PBC results. He said he knew I was pulling some late nights and so made it really short that or he had a billion others to call after me. In any case, I got a 2+. Whatever that means, maybe a bonus in coming who knows. I just wanted to get back to bed.


Finally, nature calls so I woke up around 9 pm on 1/18/06. Showered and ate something of substance not that the PJC sandwich was good 10 hours ago. But I gotta eat. I am human.

Between 9 pm to what.. 5 am now? I've tried to cram 1 year of overdue clean up into 1.. 2... now how many hours.. i have to use my fingers, god my brain has gone to mush.. dam those calculators and computers.. I can do this.. where's my clock.. 7 hours! Yes! 7.. finally got it.. good grief.

So for 7 hours, what the hell did I do!! jeeeze.. I thought I cleaned. But .. hmm sure doesn't look like it. Well I organized a lot of papers.. finally unpacked the 2 suitcases.. went through the bathroom reading pile. Yes don't deny it.. alot of you probably have your own stash somewhere. Time to put some more magazines in there.

Okay I got 3 hours to sleep before turning into a robot for the big blue.

Unattainable Love - Brokeback Mountain

I wanted to write a review on Brokeback Mountain, but there's tons of reviews out there by you know.. actual movie reviewers so I will save myself from embarrassment by not going into the cinematography or whatever stuff that I probably don't have merits of mentioning.

I will however post about how the film engaged me... isn't that what watching a film is all about? Connection with the viewer?

Ever the procrastinator, on the day of the movie, I got to the theatre during the previews. I was shocked to see the entire room packed like sardines. Finding a seat in the dark is not much fun. I never changed the battery for the mini mag on the keychain. Now that would've come in handy.

The 4 most memorable moments in the film for me were:

1. When Ennis and Jack separated for the first time after coming down from Brokeback Mountain. Ennis kneeling in an alley wretching and emotionally distraught after seeing Jack drive away.

I think that's a dreadful thing to go through, watching someone you love so deeply simply walk out of your life and for whatever reason there's nothing you are doing or could do about it. It's that ache that hits your right beneath the sternum. That gnawing feeling that just spreads until you can absolutely overwhelmed and have to do something, scream, cry, punch a wall.. something.


2. The moment Alma (Ennis's wife) opened the door ready to greet her husband's mystery friend Jack. Alma's reaction of shock, betrayal, and hurt when she witnessed her own husband, the man who she raised a family with, passionately kissing the so called fishing buddy at the bottom of the stairs.

Thank goodness I have never felt gone through this particular situation, and hopefully never will. I'd be mad as hell. But I think, it's the betrayal part that would haunt me, the infidelity and the lying.

3. The longest dialogue between Jack and Ennis toward the end of the film where us, the viewers finally see the strain and pain these 2 men have been enduring through out the past 20 years of their lives. Out came the famous lines:

Ennis: If you can't fix it, you gotta stand it.
...
Jack: God, I wish I knew how to quit you!
Ennis: Well, why don't you? Why don't you just let me be? It's because of you that I am like this! I ain't got nothing... I ain't got nowhere..

Love, or any kind of emotions that strong can be debilitating can't it? Sometimes we are so driven by our feelings we loose a part of ourselves, we compromise and give up part the individual goals in order to get somewhere .. together. But Ennis and Jack, they couldn't. Anyone can identify how Ennis feels if we just relate it to a serious crush. You are stuck on this one person, this one being that occupies your thoughts, enters your dreams, haunts your free moments during the day, and until that one decisive moment where you either get together or fall apart, you are stuck in that limbo place. Neither here nor there.


4. On the phone when Lureen (Jack's wife) finds out that the man on the phone is the long time fishing buddy her husband has been seeing all through out the years. That Ennis is the man that Jack is really in love with.

Beautiful, sensitive acting. That slight pause, the self-denying recognition of what she always suspect was confirmed by that short conversation. Yet, after hanging up the phone, tears wiped, Lureen went back to her routine, seemly unaffected by the long kept secret.


----
I love the guitar chords played throughout the film. The plucking seems to be done on heartstrings.

----

Visually, it's breathtaking. Ang Lee and his team have managed to take us back to a time where we do see blue open skies, majestic mountains and green pastures. I loved the sheep.

----

After the movie is over and we are all filing out of the showroom, through my teary eyes I can safely say that at least 80% of the audience in the room were couples over 50s. I was shocked again. This was not the demographic that I expected for this film. But after a while it made sense.

Although there's not a lot of dialogue in this film, it's more of what has not been said that left the deepest impression.

Reasons why I was engaged and appreciated the film:

1 - I think all of us at one point in our lives if we are lucky we meet someone who we can open up to and feel safe just being ourselves.

2 - The film successfully conveyed "unattainable love". A love that can't be carried out fully. The pain of not being able to be with that one person who has your heart and soul.

Bad Tree! Bad!

Spent a great afternoon with friends. It's just good to go out and socialize. Today a group of us went to a place in NJ called Duke Farms and got on the Display Gardens Tour. Pretty neat! It had a bunch of greenhouses set up and within each, a different type of garden is shown. There were the French, English, Chinese, Japanese, etc.. (well I don't remember the rest).

One gripe about the tour is that we went through too fast and weren't given enough time to really look at the garden. Okay fine, we weren't given enough time to take more pictures. There were a lot of weird looking flowers that would make great macro shots. Oh well.. next time have to find an outdoor garden in the spring.


When I got back to my apt, I saw that the wind tonight (20 - 40 mph winds) did its damage. One of the apt's trees snapped and landed across 2 cars. Thank goodness it's not my car.
Ouch! What a way to start off 2006.
This is the 3rd time a tree landed on cars at my apt complex since I moved here!!

This is the unfortunate scene from my window.

Not going to sleep easy tonight.

Oh ill wind! Blow the other way!

Day and Night

I just disconnected from AT&T vpn connection. Work finished. Sad it's 5:30 AM. Surprisingly I am not that tired, that's probably because I slept 12 hours the night before.

Mom finally contacted us a day later. Turned out her charger wouldn't charge the batteries so she was out of juice. Worried all day and night. But all that counts is that she was fine. So yesterday my bro ordered a new charger and it's on her way.

Guess my body won't get a chance to produce melatonin tonight. Another night lost facing the computer monitors. Recent alarming studies have revealed that proper sleep in the dark suppresses body's ability to produce melatonin which in turn decreases our ability to fight off cancer cells and thus increases our risk for breast cancer. Lovely.

From http://www.medical-library.org/journals2a/melatonin.htm:

Melatonin is a hormone produced by the pineal gland in the brain, melatonin also occurs naturally in some foods.

Timekeeping Hormone

Secreted only in the dark, melatonin provides a time-of-day cue to diurnal and nocturnal species. For some animals and birds, it also provides a time-of-year signal for migration, hibernation, and estrus cycles. Melatonin's secretion is one of hundreds of circadian, or approximately 24-hour, rhythms in bodily functions controlled by the suprachiasmatic nuclei (SCN) of the hypothalamus, which comprise the body's master clock. Melatonin receptors have been found in the SCN, which is itself entrained by daylight signals received.

Daylight intensity light-roughly 5 times brighter than ordinary indoor light-suppressed melatonin secretion.
Young adults typically secrete about 5 micrograms to 25 micrograms of melatonin per day. In most people, secretion declines dramatically with age, a fact some researchers suggest accounts for the higher prevalence of meletonin.

Need to sleep more.

Cellphones

Got a call this morning from my mom. Or that's what I thought at first. Unexpected, it was from some lady at a convienence store where my mom supposely have left her phone in the bathroom? of all places.

So all throughout the day been waiting for her to call me back. It's her day off so I wonder if she even realized she has lost her phone.

It's amazing how much we depend upon cellphones these days. The little gadget that connects us to the rest of the world. It's like a GPS tracker, only without the nify GPS part. Well supposely, the police can track the GPS signal from your phone, but I have not had to resort to that yet.

It's close to 3 AM. Don't really feel like sleeping. At the back of my mind I worry. I worry if my mom is safe if she's sleeping soundly at the apt. I don't know why I didn't think of this earlier, but I could've contacted the apt complex people and see if they can run and leave her a message at her door or something by a note. This unknowing where your parents are is very unsettling. A role reversal. Wonder if this is how they feel when we go on trips.

Hope my phone will ring soon with her voice on the other line.